Monday, January 31, 2011


Once again I'm tardy for the party, one of my co-workers brought some Buckyballs into the office and I couldn't put the damn things down all day. Apparently they've have been around for awhile, where have I been? The packaging says they're made for adults, so I shouldn't feel ashamed for enjoying them! But of course my gay ass had to go and make them into jewelry and a snappy headband. This reminds me of the Mr. T jewelry set I had as a child... damn, how did my mother not know?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Work B'Day Partay

Okay, so I have a bunch of cool co-workers. I honestly didn't expect any kind of b'day celebration when I went to work this morning, but surprise! There was cake, food, gifts, cards, etc. I even got serenaded at one point. Afterward, there was a small tailgate in the parking lot. The beer was of the root variety! I don't need any trouble from HR.

As for the bowl on my head, I didn't have a birthday hat... so I improvised. You have to wear a hat when someone is singing Happy Birthday to you (it's customary). I love this card Leslie drew me, just whipped it up on the spot. I'm a bit envious because I stink at drawing.


I woke up this morning, and realized.... I'm 30! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Drag fight!

My birthday is in a few days and it looks like I'm getting an early present... RuPaul's Drag Race season three starts tonight! If you look up the words "guilty pleasure" in the dictionary, there will be a picture of RuPaul's lacefront beside it. No television program, scripted or reality, comes close to the levels of hilarity this show reaches. It has it all, straight-up bitchery, endless double-entendres, desperation, hair malfunctions, dick slips (or as RuPaul puts it, "there are still some snakes on this motha-fucking plane!)... this show is genius. The greatest part? RuPaul is totally in on the joke, her shameless self-promotion is one of the funniest recurring gags. 

I loved season one winner Bebe (Cameroooooon!), but was totally pissed with last season's winner Tyra. Ugh, don't get me started on Tyra... it was all about Raven. But runner-up isn't so bad! Who will be the contestant with the most C.U.N.T. (charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent) this season? I guess we all have to tune in and find out. Here's shouldawon Raven looking like a coked-out Kelly LeBrock.

Manic Monday

It has been such a broke bitch kind of Monday, I just can't help but laugh and take it all in stride. I woke up this morning (holy crap it was COLD!) and my truck would not start... no chug, no rumble, no turnover, nada. Hooty Hoo! A very good friend came by to jump me off so I could drive down to the car place. Moment of honesty; I don't know two shits about cars/trucks/bikes/rollerskates/skateboards/scooters ... basically anything with wheels. Wheels in my mind mean one thing, ACCIDENT. The same goes for horses... I have the stories to back it up, but we'll save those for a later post. 

Anyway! I've had this truck since 2004 and apparently I was due for a new battery a long time ago! I'm telling you, you really do learn something new everyday. So on my way back, I picked up some junk food and I'm going to veg out and work from home today. Thank Jebus I have that luxury (I usually don't do it because it makes me feel lazy). Prince knew exactly what he was talking about when he wrote "Manic Monday." Fun piece of trivia, he originally wrote it for Apollonia 6 (their demo of the song is pretty easy to find) before giving it to The Bangles.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Catorce going on Quince

Not long ago I was reading up on some biblical history and quite a few scholars believe the forbidden fruit may actually have been a quince. I'm a sucker for apples, even have an apple motif in my kitchen... so this stung a little. But I had to try a quince! So I picked one up at the store, cut it into quarters and took a huge bite. Little did I know, quinces are not supposed to be eaten raw, it tasted like styrofoam ass. Oh, the texture! Terrible, terrible texture. So, I researched it online and quinces are best eaten after being poached.

I poached one today in a cinnamon syrup I whipped up and it turned out pretty good. Very similar to a poached pear, but more fragrant. And the syrup left behind is delicious, that's going on my oatmeal tomorrow morning! Nom nom nom. As for a quince being the forbidden fruit, I just don't believe it. There is no way in hell Eve gave one to Adam to eat raw. And I also doubt she knew what the hell poaching even meant. I'm sticking with apples on this one.

I would prefer two...

Caught up on a few films this weekend. First up, Blue Valentine. All of the hype surrounding Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams is well-founded, they act the hell out of this material. The flashbacks setting up their relationship are just... (I hate to use this word) sweet, not a single disingenuous moment. The final days of their marriage are just as effective. But something was missing... as stated, we get the beginning and the end, but no middle. Michelle Williams didn't need that arc so much, but Ryan Gosling's character did. The film was basically a string of superbly acted scenes with no strong story running through it, but I would still recommend it. And are you serious MPAA? I cannot believe they tried to give this an NC-17 because of the oral sex scene. Come out of the dark ages assholes.

I also caught I Love You Phillip Morris. What a whacked out/bizarre little film. I usually do not care for Jim Carrey, but this is by far his best performance. Such a despicable, off-the-charts unbelievable character, but he sold the hell out it. And Ewan McGregor played such an adorable little Southern bitch (who spits no less, for shame). I have a huge place in my heart for films that take dark material and play it with a lighthearted tone (the last film to pull that off well was Cheri a few years ago). It's a shame this got lost in the shuffle because of distributor issues, Jim Carrey deserves some serious recognition for this oddball performance.

Speaking of Jim Carrey, if you didn't catch him as D'Versity on Saturday Night Live a few weeks back... you missed out. He hits at 3:40 (most of the skit is awful). He has a voice made for quiet storm radio, who knew?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Bond 23

With the recent announcement that MGM is being bailed out and the next James Bond film is ago, I can breathe a sigh of relief! I'm not a huge James Bond fan, the movies are passable entertainment, but I'm a HUGE fan of James Bond themes. You know those cheesy sweeping ballads that play over the opening credit sequences? Yep, those. My favs are by far "You Only Live Twice" by Nancy Sinatra, "Diamonds Are Forever" by Shirley Bassey (who sang three themes no less) and "The World Is Not Enough" by Garbage. Speaking of Garbage, where in the hell has Shirley Manson been? It's time for a comeback babe.

Even the terrible themes are usually enjoyably campy. Lulu's "The Man With The Golden Gun" has to be heard to be believed. Horrific and amazing all at the same time. And plus, it's fucking Lulu! Madonna's "Die Another Day" was the last decent one ("Sigmund Freud, analyze this?" Fuck-worthy line). The two themes for the Daniel Craig Bond films were downright awful. Seriously, Chris Cornell? Alicia Keys and Jack White? I actually like them all, but they are not James Bond theme singers. We need someone ultra-gay... Kylie Minogue is overdue. Or how about Beyonce? She wouldn't know the meaning of the word subtlety if it slapped her in the face. Just what a James Bond theme needs!

And for shits and giggles. Here is Sheena Easton performing "For Your Eyes Only" at the Academy Awards back in the early 80's. THERE ARE NO WORDS. Well, yes there are: awkward, awful, campy, ridiculous... but whatever. The minute the disco beat and lasers kick in at about 1:30, I lose it.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Five by five

I had to hit up Wally World today and caught a glimpse of my future self. The old man digging through the $5 DVD bin? That's me in 40 years... As a film-lover (and the proud holder of a BA in Film/Video) on a budget, the $5 DVD bin is like HEROIN, I simply cannot pass one without diving in. And there is no shame in my game, I will dump DVDs in my cart to get to the ones at the bottom. 

FYI, all $5 DVD bins are NOT created equal. Best Buy is top tier when it comes to the quality and range of films. Unfortunately, it's usually by the registers, to really get down and dirty you have to stand in everybody's way... but whatever, move aside! Target's is decent in terms of quality, but they have very few titles. Walmart's is a mixed bag, you have to dig to find those diamonds in the rough, but they have a wider selection than Target. Bottom of the barrel? Big Lots! They actually have a $3 bin(!), but the selection is TRASH (every Patrick Swayze movie ever made can be found).  

Of course, if this is all too much work for you, eBay always works in a pinch.  I think I need new hobbies...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Vinter Vonderland

Growing up in the South, I never had the classic winter experiences that you always hear about. I've never been skiing, ice skating or sledding. I've never made a snow angel, had a snowball fight or written my name in pee in the snow... basically, I've been gypped! When I woke up today I made a vow, come hell or high water, I'm building a snowman! The snow did not want to cooperate this morning, simply would not stick. Thankfully it warmed up this afternoon and the snow started to get wet, perfect to mold me a man! Alright, let's be honest... he's busted as hell! He has a wonk-eye, his scarf does not match his measuring-cup hat and he has the kind of smile only a (blind and dead) mother could love. But not bad for a first try! FYI, his name is Matthias.

The only snow memory I really have... my mom would always make a batch of snow ice cream when we did get a little bit of the white stuff. Delicious! Leave it to us Southerners to make even snow fattening!

Árbol Genealógico

Years ago, my cousin told me that he did research into our family history and that we were descendants of Juan De Grijalva. I don't know if it's true, but I've never met a Grijalva I'm not related to... so it's possible! Not necessarily one of the more famous explorers of his time, but he did have some notable achievements. He was apparently the first to make substantial contact with the Aztecs (poor Aztecs, they had no idea...) and the first to make a dent in exploring Mexico. There's even a river named after him in Tabasco (spicy!). Visiting that river is definitely on my bucket list, I hope it's the dirtiest/sleaziest river in all of Mexico. Above is a picture of Juan, I see the family resemblance... mainly in the hat, I have one just like it. Such a dapper fellow, too bad I didn't get his cheekbones.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Zodiac Panic

All of this drama surrounding the zodiac shift has been quite entertaining. I have to admit, I do get a horoscope text everyday and I am overly familiar with all of my Aquarian characteristics, but deep down do I really believe it? No, I don't. And I'm sure most people out there don't either. So why the panic and anger when it was announced that zodiac signs were changing? For people who have tattoos of their sign, I get it. But otherwise... relax people, it's all entertainment.

And the funniest part? It turns out it was all a bunch of hooey (everyone can breath easy!) The tropical zodiac, which is what most of the Western world uses, is staying exactly the same. The sidereal zodiac is shifting however, which is completely meaningless to us in the West. Well, actually, all of this is pretty much meaningless... According to the sidereal zodiac, I'm a Capricorn. That certainly doesn't change who I am as a person or have any real impact on my life. Hell, I dated a Capricorn once, he was a nice guy. 

The only real downer? There just aren't any catchy songs about Capricorns.

Monday, January 10, 2011


I'm a little bit obsessed with Richard Haines at the moment. He's a very well known artist/fashion illustrator and his blog What I Saw Today is a real treat. To quote Richard, he likes "to record what I see around me - the vital and always changing style of guys in New York." So watch out NY boys, if you see a random stranger sketching you... for once it may not be a perv. His work is loaded with so much character. Pictured above is Lee, I don't know who he is, but I want to date him.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Lost In The World

Am I the only person who still loves music videos? There seem to be very few musical artists out there that take them seriously anymore. Kanye West is not one of those people. Yeah folks... he's still an asshole, but at least he always tries to do something ambitious or provocative ("Flashing Lights" anyone?) Former filmmaker and current multimedia artist Marco Brambilla did an amazing job with "Power." Definitely my favorite music video of 2010, it's bursting at the seams with cool detail. Marco is probably best known for his piece Civilization, which is loaded with a ton of eye candy itself. Here's a very brief video about Marco, his art and the making of "Power."

Note: don't call "Power" a music video, Kanye will get mad. It's a "LIVING PAINTING!!!" according to his blog (chill with the caps Mr. West).

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Shiver me ti... urethra?

Okay, this is one of those TMI kind of posts, so get the hell over it. My whole life, I'd say maybe 1 out of every 40 or 50 pees I get a shiver up my body. I've always just written it off and never really thought about it. Well yesterday I finally googled "pee shiver" and I'll be damned if it doesn't happen to a ton of people. And it also happens to both men and women. There haven't been any medical studies done on the phenomenon, but there are a bunch of theories having to do with the nervous system and the urethral sphincter or loss of body temperature, etc. According to wiki (ha, reliable, right?) the shiver's formal name is Post-micturition convulsion syndrome and in a recent internet poll (unnamed, ha, thanks wiki) 83% of men and 58% of women have admitted to experiencing it. So it turns out I'm not a freak after all! Well... that's still debatable, but not when it comes to my pee shiver.

Marathon Man Deux

My marathon training is picking back up after the holidays. After eating like a pig and doing nothing for two straight weeks, it feels like I'm starting from scratch. Overall I've seen some big improvements though; I've dropped 15 pounds and I can actually run several miles without dying. FYI, not dying is my #1 goal when it comes to running a marathon. I've signed up for a 5K in March for funsies and the Pittsburgh Marathon in May.

As for the picture of me on the giant jackalope... once again I don't have any applicable action shots of myself. So it will just have to do.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Celebrity Hotass #1

I had a mini-marathon of Matt Dillon films the other day... why? Because he's a hotass! Well, I also think he's a damn fine actor and one of the more under-sung/under-used talents of his generation. Can't say that the blame isn't partially on him though, he has such a spotty record when it comes to picking scripts. The thing I love about him is that there's absolutely no vanity in his performances and no ham (that's directed at you Sean Penn!)

He's probably my ultimate celebrity crush, I've had a thing for him since before I even knew what sex was (I think I lost my virginity just watching him in Rumble Fish). I even dated a guy who looked like Matt Dillon for over a year. The ultimate ass-kicker; he was a drug addict who robbed pharmacies and eventually went on a methadone program... sound like a Matt Dillon movie? Yeah, I think I've seen Drugstore Cowboy one too many times. In my defense(!!!!), I didn't know about his criminal record until later in the relationship, but whatever, you live and you learn. Plus, having a complete and utter cluster-fuck relationship in your early 20's is a rite of passage.

I am so *DEAD* at this 30 year old clip (and his hair), but he was a teenage dream dammit.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Know when to hold 'em...

A dear friend of mine told me how you ring in the new year sets the tone for the rest of the year. Uh-oh... I'm screwed. I spent New Years in various airports fighting a raging headache. Then I came home to some PISSED off houseplants (they did not like the cold apartment while I was gone, I think one of them flipped me the bird) and an electric bill so high I need to kick the nearest bunny.

Good thing omens are a bunch of nonsense! Right? I kind of feel the same way about new year's resolutions, they almost never pan out. I recently got a promotion at work, so my main goal this year is getting the new job down. But with the big 3-0 in a few weeks, it's time to take some big risks... gamble a little bit. Tell 'em all about it hoodrat 80's Madge!

2011 is going to snatch wigs, no doubt about it. Let's not play it safe folks!