Monday, October 31, 2011

Buckeye Beyotch

This past weekend I went to visit friends in Columbus, OH. Had a great time, they showed me around town, took me out to eat a few times and to an Ohio State game. I'm not a football fanatic by any means, but I love going to games. It's just an amazing social interaction, sitting and talking to all the fans. Baseball and hockey games are a blast too.

Columbus is surprisingly a kickass little city. The main drag is awesome and the gay scene is too, whoddathunkit? My Grindr was BLOWING UP with hotties, lol. Here's me phoning home with Brutus Buckeye.

Buffalo Creek Half Marathon

It's been a long time... I know. I've been busy and I've also been having computer issues that aren't worth mentioning... I did another half-marathon recently and met all of my goals; under two hours, ran the entire length and beat all of my co-workers (the most important one). With most runs, you have to pay for your finish line pictures... with this one, they were free surprisingly.

I should also mention it's the worst fucking picture I've ever taken in my life. I look like a stroke victim... and I also look like I'm checking out the ass on the guy in front of me. I probably was. I have a turkey trot on Thanksgiving, can't wait!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Shake it!

Today at work was a complete and utter mess... in a good way though. My boss passed her citizenship test, so we had a "welcome to America!" party for her. And then she bought the team a shake weight? WTF? So completely random... I will say this much, it is definitely as fun as it looks on TV. It's like giving an industrial strength handjob without the gooey payoff (insert sad face here). Even the instruction booklet was dirty, it mentioned the dynamic inertia in the shaft. COME ON! Whoever invented this thing knew exactly what they were doing. Here's a pic of me working my triceps (or the backwards and over handjob). Needless to say, not a lot of work got done today.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Random Badassness

Did she kiss Captain Kirk with that mouth? I cannot stop quoting Nichelle Nichols in Truck Turner. How much better would Star Trek have been if Lieutenant Uhura pimpslapped Spock and demanded that the entire Enterprise crew shake their asses proper? Well, infinitely better, obviously.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

One of these things is not like the other?

I recently had my caricature done... I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think it looks a little like my grandma. What do you think? I definitely see the resemblance in the ears!

Extra Extra! Read all ab... yeah yeah

I know I know, this month has been tragic in terms of updates, but I've been busy doing stupid shit.

Anywhocareswhateverway... the latest Batman flick has been filming in Pittsburgh over the past month, so I signed up to be an extra. It was a big action scene where the villain Bane blows up a football field and takes everyone in the stadium hostage. There were hotties with fake machine guns holding us prisoner and of course the sexy Tom Hardy (those lips!) giving some diabolical speech. Overall, it was a fun experience... to see them take fourteen hours to film a two minute scene! Oh Hollywood... so efficient.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I would do it all over again... but let me tell you, it was hotter than a CROTCH out there. And it was a winter scene, so we had to wear winter clothes. Outside allll day in a coat, everyone was stewing in their own juices. But the crew was super helpful, keeping us hydrated and giving us free food. Good times! I think I'm going to sign up for more of these.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Velcro Wall!

That is all...

Well, I also have to mention, the guy running it was HOT AS BALLS. I was hoping he would take off more than just my Velcro suit.

Sunday, July 31, 2011


I've been pretty active the past couple of months, so this weekend I decided I'm not doing ANYTHING. It happens to me sometimes, I just can't tolerate people's faces anymore, so I hibernate for a few days to recoup. I have to say, Lifetime was on FIRE yesterday. They played the Hilary Swank "I beat my mom" classic Terror In The Family. How in the hell did she go from this shit to winning two Academy Awards? Next, one of my absolute FAVS, Family Sins with Kirstie Alley playing the stepmother from hell. And last but not least, that Jennifer Love Hewitt prostitution movie. But I digress...

Yesterday I was getting a little bored, so I downloaded Grindr on my phone. Yeah yeah, I know this shit has been around for ages, but I've avoided it because it's just not my style. For those who are completely tardy for the party, Grindr is an app you can download on your phone that shows you the nearest gay guys based on your GPS. You can message each other, set up a date (or more likely a fuck), etc. 

Okay, moment of honesty, there are guys messaging me on Grindr that I would no doubt screw five ways to Sunday if I met them in real life. But I just can't do this online hookup thing! I don't know what it is... fear? Maybe I'm just old-fashioned? Maybe deep down I've gotten too happy being alone? Low self-esteem about my looks? My aversion to drama? All of the above? Who the frak knows... I just don't have the will/desire to follow through with one of these.

I did do an online hookup once that didn't go too well, so maybe that's it. It was a particularly horny time and all I kept meeting in real life was club/bar trash. Everyone was talking about the casual encounters section on craigslist (lmao, don't judge me!), so I figured what the hell... The encounter itself went fine, he was a nice looking guy, supposedly a mechanic (which is a turn on), he got off, I got off. He even came back in the morning for a repeat session. And then the shit hit the fan... we started talking afterwards and he told me he was married with two kids. I immediately felt like white trash and told him to leave. I can't stand drama and I've seen too many episodes of Forensic Files and Cheaters to get caught up in that kind of shit.

So, what do you guys think about Grindr/Manhunt/craiglist and the rest of their ilk? Am I over-thinking it? Have you had any experiences with it? I'm curious.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Ms. Fenty... sit down!

It's hard to believe I started this blog a little less than a year ago with a Rihanna concert... and here I am seeing another one already. Bitch wasted no time hitting the road again. Butwhatever, Riri puts on a fun show; catchy songs, trashy costumes, half-naked male dancers, weave flinging... all the basic essentials. I honestly preferred her last tour, simply because the setlist was better, but I still had fun. One pro going for this show? It was far sleazier. I think it only took her twenty seconds to drop her ass and start humping the floor... and the "Darling Nikki/S&M/Skin" bondage themed section was a nice touch. Another pro? Way better seats, right next to the left stage/platform. I could have thrown my underwear at her. Maybe next time!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


Well, it all started out innocently enough, a simple trip to a neighborhood bar for some drunk karaoke. After an inebriated and no doubt inspirational rendition of "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" (for which I got $11 in tips BTW), I stepped outside with a friend. Apparently, some serious shit was going down at this bar; a group of Mexicans (the lovely guys who gave me the tips) showed up to fight a group of ex-cons, some chick got involved and there was a rumble in front of the bar. The cops came, somehow my friend and I got sucked into it because we were outside at the time... we ended up getting questioned and having our drivers licenses ran by the police. The cops told us all to leave immediately, so I went inside to get my other friends from the bar... WHERE THERE WAS ANOTHER GODDAMN FIGHT! This time between one of my friends and the chick from the original outside rumble... which caused the bartender to throw us out. Then I had to drive my drunk ass friend home (who apparently lives in the middle of nowhere). Needless to say, I didn't get home until after four in the morning. All of this for Bonnie Tyler? I don't know if it was worth it.

That being said, I will be there again soon. My friend and I are already rehearsing a rousing rendition of "Alone" by Heart. We're bringing the fucking house down, hopefully with more tips and less rumbles.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Speedy McSpeederson

It's been a good run, but as they say, all good things must come to an end. I haven't received a speeding ticket in 10 years, but apparently my number was up this morning. My ass got pulled over while driving to a dentist appointment. Seriously!? The dentist!? I'm all for good oral hygiene, but this is the most expensive cleaning I've ever gotten. 

Can't say I didn't deserve it, was definitely speeding... I just want to kick myself though. I could have spent that money on something way more fun... like berries!

Who ate my blueberries?

It's summer and you know what that means. Berry season! I'm a berry fanatic... raspberries, blueberries, blackberries... all of em!

Must.... eat.... more....

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Random Observation...

I usually have an immense dislike of celebrity reality shows, but something about Ice Loves Coco caught my eye. Who am I kidding... Coco caught my eye, she's so over-the-top and tacky I can't help but admire her.

Now for the random observation... is it just me... or is Ice T seriously the best husband on TV? He's always such a hardass in his film and TV roles, but he's a fucking teddy bear in real life. Loving, supportive, funny, positive, affectionate... hell, I'd marry him after watching ILC. A hardon for Ice T? Never saw that one coming.

I don't know what the hell Coco is trying to do in this clip... well, it speaks for itself.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Birds: the sequel

What in the flying holy hell is it with me and birds? Today I decide to read out on my deck, when out of nowhere, this creepy/diseased looking bird lands down in front of me and starts screeching. I'm of course thinking WTF? It proceeds to come at me so I swat at it... well, that just seemed to make it angrier. It went into full swoop/screeching mode, I swear to God it tried to follow me in to my house to finish me off. I AM DONE with birds.

Here's a pic of the stupid bird. Look at it giving me the stank eye. 

UPDATE: No fucking lie, the bird is standing on my front porch, staring at me through my glass door. What the... 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Out with the old...

I don't know what's gotten into me (post-vacation blues possibly?), but I just cleaned the hell out of my closets and drawers. I'm going to tell you when I lost it, when I found clothes I used to wear in middle school and high school. Just a reminder, I'm 30... it's time to let it go (to quote W&G, your youth called, it wants its shirt back). I bought a ton of clothes before I went on vacation and I've been doing quite a bit of retail therapy since getting back. I've bought more clothes and shoes in the past three weeks than I've bought in the past ten years.

Pictured above are the first four bags being dropped off at the Goodwill and I'm still not finished. What's really sad? After I dropped these off, I went into the Goodwill and bought clothes. What the...

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Hawaii... cont.

As I've stated previously, I'm not a big picture taker. Hell, I don't even own a camera (aside from the one on my phone). Here's a few random pics from my vacation in HI taken by my friends. FYI, these do not do this trip justice.

First off, the condo we stayed in was ridiculously nice. It was only 25 feet to the beach from the back door. And no lie, the first thing I saw when I looked in the water was sea turtles eating off of the rocks. Seriously... fucking sea turtles in the backyard. All I have are squirrels in PA. We did quite a bit of snorkeling on the trip, once on a tour and on our own at a few beaches. There were tons of beautiful fish and coral to see and swimming with the sea turtles was fun. We did an all day tour/hike of the island, through the rainforest and mountains, saw various beaches (black sand, red sand...), waterfalls, animal life, etc. Also took a trip to a dormant volcano/crater. But most of the time was spent relaxing on the beach, soaking up the rays (i.e. getting burnt to hell and back).

Sunset in the backyard

Me getting burnt to a crisp on the back deck

Me exploring one of the black sand beaches. I went on a mini hike, there was a kick ass cave

Random pics of the rainforest and beach

Me and a random chicken, lmao. It just ran out of the woods and expected me to feed it

Here's a pic of the crater/volcano from the summit. Notice the clouds beneath us, that's how high we had to go. It was an ear-popping good time

Looking tired as hell after an afternoon of snorkeling

And of course there was a Luau. Here's me and some peeps getting our drink on

Post Vacation Blues

Tell 'em Bette! That's exactly how I felt when I arrived back in PA.

I am having a serious case of the the post vacation blues. This was by far the best vacation I've ever had... so relaxing... so peaceful... so beautiful... Pittsburgh is a goddamn armpit! As you can tell, I did not want to leave Maui. My friends almost had to drag me kicking and screaming on to that cursed plane.

Next on my to do list... move to Hawaii! Mark my words, I'm making it happen. I'll post a few stupid pics later.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Hello, HI

Hot damn! So as mentioned in a previous post, I'm gonna use the $1500 I won in April to go to HI. I leave Wednesday for a week-and-a-half vacay and it couldn't have come at a better time. My usual wardrobe consists of jeans, boots and (pick any dark color) t-shirt... so I used this as an excuse to get a brand new summer wardrobe (honestly, I went overboard). I've got my sunscreen, flips and trunks and I'm ready to do this thing! The only solidified plan I've made is a day-long tour of Maui... I'm gonna wing the rest. I'm so tired of touristy vacations that end up being exhausting, this is my sit on the beach and not do a damn thing vacation.

Here's me trying to get a little sun before I leave. There's no getting around it, I will be burnt to a crisp by the time this is over. Uh-oh, nipple shot!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Can charity be tacky?

There's a darling little town about 25 miles north of Pittsburgh called Zelienople (hold up, did I just use the word darling? Yikes). There's a theater on their main street called The Strand that shows a different movie every week. This week, a portion of the ticket sales go toward the Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund to assist tornado victims. Awwww... isn't that nice? Right up until you see what film they're showing... TWISTER!!  You know the one, the cheesy tornado blockbuster with Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton and Jamie "Solarbaby" Gertz. I'm officially *DEAD*. Tacky as hell... but I'm digging it.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Latest celebrity obsession...

I love January Jones on Mad Men (although Betty is certainly a take her/leave her type of character). But after watching January in other roles (Unknown, X-Men: First Class, her stint on SNL), it's occurred to me that she's not a very good actress. I take that back... she's not a bad actress per se... more of an anti-actress. It's almost as if she can't bring herself to truly give a shit or commit to a character. I find her blatant indifference hilarious.

And you know what really fascinates me about Ms. Jones? THE FACT THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHO HER BABY DADDY IS! One thing you need to know about me, I am incredibly NOSY. I admit it up front, no shame. JJ is a glamazon Maury Povich episode. I love it, bitch is five months pregnant and will not tell people who the father is. What is she hiding!? My suspicion... she's a homewrecker and doesn't want to reveal it publicly.

She's gorgeous, has a name straight out of a James Bond movie, doesn't give a shit about her day job (judging by her performances) and is knocked up with a secret love child. How can I not be obsessed? And did I mention the boobs? I may be gay, but I dig a killer rack. Here's a clip of her sleepwalking through her latest role in the new X-men film. Notice that she's doing all of her acting with her eyelids... that's talent.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Reese Witherspam

Spam emails crack me up, but this morning was especially nice. I got one from Academy Award winning actress Reese Witherspoon! My question? Is anyone really dumb enough to open a spam email thinking it's from Reese Witherspoon? And what a random celebrity to pick. Wouldn't someone like Angelina Jolie get more action? And why is she forwarding me a "hi" message? Can't she say hello for herself... rude!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Such a big slot...

We did a team outing at Dave & Buster's today (aka Chuckie Cheese for adults). I don't know what it is, but I am an addict when it comes to coin/token games. The promise that if you keep playing the same machine you'll get a reward... it's all a trap! If I ever go to Vegas, I'm playing the slots until I pass out from dehydration.

And all of this for what? Let's just say the D&B prize store left quite a bit to be desired. I got a Domo stuffed animal (what the hell?) and a D&B t-shirt I'll probably never wear.

*And judging by the above pic, apparently playing slots makes you look like you have a spare tire/gut. Bad for your wallet, posture and photo ops!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

We got gypped!

I woke up this morning and all of the shitty people are still here! I was hoping the rapture would sweep them away...

Midget Madness?

Yesterday I hit up the Pirates vs. Tigers game with a few friends. Later on, we went to the Southside for food and drinks and I came across this sign. WTF is Midget Madness? My friend swears she's been before and that there's a doghouse on the bar with a midget sitting in it. I'll have to do some research into this...

Belated Marathon Post

Alright, I've been waiting for a week for my damn pics for this post and they still haven't arrived. So screw it! If they eventually come, I'll just update.

The half-marathon was a success and surprisingly fun (which I did not expect, I pictured myself crossing the finish line and dying). All of my fellow VZW runners met up at the office around 4:30AM (yikes) and carpooled downtown. It was of course raining the entire time, but it was raining just enough to keep everyone cool, I guess you could call it a misty drizzle. There were hotties everywhere, and shirtless hotties at that. Put your clothes on! The crowd cheering us on was ridiculously motivational and there were bands scattered throughout the race to help pump us up.

The biggest lesson learned? Go in the woods! At around mile eight, I really had to pee and couldn't hold it any longer. They have port-o-potties scattered throughout the run, but the lines are soooo long. The two times I had to piss during the race added twenty minutes to my time, ridiculous! And waiting in line screwed up my pace, I didn't run as smoothly after that first br break. Next time, I'm going behind a tree or using it as motivation to finish faster.

After you cross the finish line, they give you a medal (pictured horribly above hanging on the doorknob) and a bunch of hoopla. The crew and I walked down the street and hit up Bettis' (stinky and all) for a good time. I really enjoyed myself and think I'm a little bit addicted, I've already signed up for another one in September.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Calm before the storm....

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! The Pittsburgh Marathon is tomorrow! How did it sneak up on me so fast? Hell if I know, but today I finalized my running fit. That's right, I'm running with pros, I can't look like a ragamuffin. I decided to go with green, it's my favorite color... and it makes my eyes pop (holy mother of Madge I'm such a queer). There's going to be hundreds of hotties there tomorrow, best face forward! I don't know why I'm nervous, I've been running for months, but I've heard the horror stories; toenails popping off, blisters from hell, passing out, thigh chaffing, shitting yourself, nipples bleeding... not the nipples! Today is all about R&R and loading up on delicious carbs... mmmmmmmm... carbs. I'll post about my misadventures tomorrow. If there is no post, assume I died a tragic marathon related death and contact Blogger to enshrine my account.

Batting my lovelies in my shiny green shirt.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Not those kind of bears...

I've seen this video pop up on a few blogs here and there, but I figured I'd post it anyway. I'm a huge sucker for news bloopers, so this is right up my alley. The news story about marijuana being guarded by bears is so absolutely ridiculous, the poor anchor woman can't keep a straight face. I absolutely lost it at the 3:00 minute mark, why were those damn bears sitting?!


A few friends took me out to eat the other day to one of my fav Italian joints in the vicinity. This sign was out front, no lie. Osama Bin Laden certainly wasn't a friend of mine, but something about this wreaks of tacky...


And the back... Classy!

Saturday, April 30, 2011


I know quite a few people who can get a few hours of sleep, hop out of bed and be completely normal. NOTE: I am not one of those people. If I don't get at least six hours of sleep, I am a grouchy hot pile of garbage. These past two weeks have been a true test... first off, I've somehow jacked-up my hip while running. Every time I roll over in the middle of the night, it wakes me up (on the plus side, I have a nice pimp walk now). It's getting better, but still annoying.

And the birds! The BIRDS! The fucking BIRDS! I understand that it's spring, but these birds need to realize what timezone they're in. Every morning from 3am to 6am it is non-stop singing and screeching outside of my window. I have HAD it! Picture me on my deck, in my pajamas at 4 in the morning, throwing handfuls of pebbles (that extra vase filler came in handy!) at the tree by my window. Well, that's what I was doing until I went and bought earplugs. Now I have to adjust to sleeping with earplugs, it's too quiet! I usually have white noise going on in the background to drown out outdoor noises (I'm a light sleeper). That's always taken care of business, but the birds are just that loud. If I could get away with it, I'd shoot them all, but the cops are right down the street... stupid cops. Now I know how Tippi Hedren felt!

Not so fast, Von Ryan! R.I.P. Ladies

Yeah, I know, I know! I'm so far behind on both of these deaths. It's been a busy month! First off, Elizabeth Taylor... where do I even begin? The most beautiful fucking movie star to ever grace the silver screen is a nice starting point. She was larger-than-life and just amazing all around, they don't make 'em like her anymore. Not to mention she's responsible for one of the greatest commercials of all time. I don't know who Von Ryan is, but Liz isn't taking any of his shit!

And secondly, Phoebe Snow. Amazing talent, one-of-a-kind voice. This one in particular is sad because she's been a huge part of the soundtrack of life. My mother played her albums non-stop when I was growing up and I know damn near every one of her songs by heart. Phoebe hasn't been very active over the years - she dropped out of the scene to care for her disabled daughter - but her work will still carry on. Here's one of my fav tracks by her.

Friday, April 29, 2011

What the holy frak?!

What a great week! At the end of every month, they've been doing raffle-style drawings for people who have perfect attendance at work. I've been in all of the drawings, but have yet to win the big prize (I have been getting $100 gift cards that I've killed at Amazon each month though). Yesterday I was the last name pulled for the big prize, $1500! So, after wrestling with myself for a few hours about whether to save it or do something fun, I've decided I'm going to Hawaii in June for a little R&R vacay! I've got five weeks to get it right and tight, no muffin tops in HI!

On an unrelated note, damn I need a haircut.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Random Cuteness/Creepyness

I'm a sucker for things that are adorable and creepy at the same time (except for Anne Geddes, the stuff of nightmares!) Why the hell are these bunnies in cups? I don't think there is a cuddly or fluffy answer for that one. But dammit aren't they adorable?!

It almost makes me want a rabbit. Until I remember my horrific experiences with rabbits in the past. I'll save that for another post...

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Diva Worship

There is an abundance of huge and successful female artists at radio right now, just to name a few, Rihanna, Katy Perry, Britney, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, Adele, Jennifer Lopez (comeback!), Nicki Minaj, Pink, Avril, Fergie (courtesy of BEP), Taylor Swift, hell, even Beyonce is about to drop a track in the next couple of weeks. I'm not here to discuss the quality (or lack thereof) of these women, different strokes for different folks! But this huge glut of women at radio got me to thinking about gay men and their divas. Every gay man has a DIVA (and lets face it, most gay men have more than one). That female artist that they worship, be it blatantly or secretly. They sing her in the shower, blast her in the car, pop their asses to her music in the club. They may not admit it, but they have a concert DVD stuffed somewhere in the back of their DVD collection....

And to those gay men too ashamed of being stereotyped, stop lying to yourself! I know you have a Madonna album hiding somewhere in your house. Even the straightest, most roided-up, most self-loathing, closet-case, homophobe fag out there has a DIVA. Granted, it might be a female artist that won't raise gay suspicion (like Sheryl Crow, Stevie Nicks, etc.), but it's still the same! And let's not confuse diva and female singer, there is a huge difference. My favorite female in the music game is Nina Persson, period. Bitch can weave a tale of heartbreak like nobody's business, but I wouldn't call her a diva. No, I'm talking about that female artist who is larger than life. 

So, who are my favorite divas? There are a few, but I'll just talk overall and current. I'm definitely of the Madonna generation. She is the queen, end of story, it's a wrap, the rest can go sit down. The videos, the concerts, the fashion, the controversies, everything! But most importantly, the music. At the end of the day, Madonna has recorded some of the finest damn pop music of the past 30 years. Her debut album sounds fresher to me today than some of the current sh*t at radio. Granted, Madge has lost some of her luster over the years, but she's still fucking Madonna.

Now, moving on to the newer generation of women. I've got to bow down to Beyonce. She pretty much sh*ts on all of her contemporaries with her stage presence alone. Everything is pulled together, the vocals, the dancing, the swag, the WIGS. Sure, she wouldn't know what the word "subtlety" meant if it crawled up her ass, but that's part of her charm. She goes big and beats you over the head with it. Her music has definitely been hit or miss, but B'Day is without a doubt the gayest album I've heard over the past decade. I think the entire thing must have been ghost-written and produced by a troupe of drag queens. And her work ethic! This bitch hasn't sat down since 1997 when the first DC single came out. RESPECT. Can't wait for the new album, which I'm sure will be hilarious and over-the-top (have you seen the video stills?) and the sure to follow trannytastic tour.

So, be honest, who are your fav divas?!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The gift that keeps on giving...

One of my co-workers/friends recently got a big promotion and is transferring to an office building far, far away. So we're throwing him a going away party/breakfast tomorrow. I didn't get home from the gym until 7:30 and then I had to take a shower and eat dinner. I originally wanted to make him cupcakes, but I'll be damned if I was baking this late at night. So I tap-danced my ass down the street and bought a bunch of pop-tarts. Don't judge me! They're breakfast food! Then I figured, if I'm going to be lazy, I could at least make it look fancy. Throw some basket filler and a few bows in there... and voila! Pop-tart basket!

This is either the most amazing thing I've ever brought to a potluck or the most embarrassing. There is no in between.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Not easy being cheesy...

I'm back from Philly! I promised awful tourist photos and I tried my best to deliver. Whenever I'm in travel mode, I seek out the stupidest photo-ops possible. In other words, if there's a giant jackalope... I'm riding it.

Swoop and I! This thing was creepy as all get out... still felt up his ass though.

I pray to God that this was a Ben Franklin impersonator, otherwise... he's just a really bad dresser.

The Liberty Bell, how cliche!

Mom, me and some guy named Rocky.

Me riding a tortoise, why the hell not? That rhino is throwing shade though... can't blame him, I still have bedhead.