Friday, November 26, 2010

Bitter... table for two.

Kanye West is an asshole. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. But face the facts, he wasn't lying when he said Taylor Swift didn't deserve that award. The VMA's aren't known for being the most meritable awards, they're kind of a joke actually. And anyone with a brain knows Beyonce had that award in the fucking bag. But whatever, that's yesterday's news (please tell that to Kanye, who refuses to let the issue go). After his catastrophically awkward interview with Matt Lauer and his even more awkward onstage rant the other day, it's safe to say the switch is broken in Mr. West's head.

Which goes to make his latest album that much more fascinating. The man has issues! Equal parts paranoid, misogynistic, bitter, vulgar, ego-driven... the album is downright riveting. He's the hip-hop Norma Desmond! It doesn't hurt that the production on the album is immaculate. I certainly wouldn't want to go to dinner with Mr. West, but I'll gladly play his music.

The real Thanksgiving turkey...

So, my plans for a trashy movie marathon yesterday were put on hold... to go see a trashy movie at the theater. A friend asked me to go see Burlesque and I just couldn't resist. Where do I even begin? The acting? The music? The complete lack of a script? Nah! To even discuss those things would be giving the movie too much credit. Christina Aguilera shouldn't quit her day job. Scratch that! Watching her trying to act is far more enjoyable than watching her try to sing. She usually has the vocal subtlety of a terrified ostrich. And honestly, I don't even know what the hell an ostrich sounds like, I just assume.

I'll tell you the moment the movie had me. About halfway through, COMPLETELY unrelated to the plot and for NO apparent reason (except that it was obviously a clause in her contract), Cher busts out into a huge Diane Warren-style ballad. I couldn't control my laughter throughout the entire number. Probably the funniest moment I've seen on screen all year.

Do I recommend this? No. But if you do want to see it, I highly recommend you get drunk off of your ass beforehand. Unless you're a violent drunk, no need to fan the flames.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Blue Thanksgiving?

"It must be Thanksgiving... because the turkey just walked in!" Sorry, random In Living Color quote. Feel free to use it on family and friends all day Thursday. And make sure to roll your neck all sassy-like when you say it.

Speaking of Turkey day, I will be spending it all alone this year. Apparently this is a Chernobyl-sized tragedy, because everytime I tell someone they make a sad face (with a head tilt no less!) I've been invited to so many places I've lost count. I honesty don't give a crap. Then I start feeling crappy because maybe I should give a crap? What a non-productive cycle of BS. I will gladly sit home by myself and watch trashy movies... I'm picturing something starring Sharon Stone.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Furkle Alert!

Why is it that every gay character on Saturday Night Live is a fey over-the-top stereotype? Sure, those gay people do exist, I've known many of them over the years. I just find it frustrating that they have to play every single one of them exactly the same.

Now for a moment of honesty... I also find them absolutely hilarious. I still laugh my ass off at the Men On Film segments on In Living Color to this day, no matter how offensive. And right now on SNL, Bill Hader gives me a heart attack every time he plays the coked-out club queen Stefon. His inability to keep a straight face during the skits also doesn't hurt. Does this make me a self-loathing gay man? Possibly... And I have yet to go to a club with Furkles, but it sounds like a blast.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Hairy situation.

Argh! I have been so indecisive with my hair this year. First I grew it out long, almost to my shoulders. After that  I had it cut Peter Parker style. From there it turned into a Bieber over-the-forehead swoop. Enough is enough! So today I just chopped it all off. Honestly, it's kind of a relief.


Saturday, November 13, 2010

So meaty.

I'm a huge Joel McHale fan. I've been watching The Soup/Talk Soup since the beginnings of E! and he's probably my favorite of all the hosts. I appreciate his ruthless/morbid sense of humor. He's also got a surprisingly banging body under those jeans/jacket combos he always seems to wear. I haven't given his sitcom Community on NBC a fair shake though. The critics seem to adore it, but I'm just not a big television viewer. I caught a random episode the other day and almost lost my lunch during this scene, absolutely hilarious. I might give it another try.

Smang it!

When banging it and smashing it just aren't enough, smang that ass! What did we do before youtube? How else are bad indie rap acts supposed to release their music and 5 dollar videos? I will give Yung Humma credit though, he has officially entered the term "cooch contusion" into the English lexicon.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Mr. Bojangles

As I've stated in the past, I'm originally from the South. Born and raised in Augusta, Georgia or "home of the Masters" as we like to call it. And that's right, I'm a Georgia fucking peach (get it right or pay the price). One of the few things I miss about my Southern roots is the food. After living in Nebraska for the past few years and now Pittsburgh, I've determined that people outside of the South just don't know how to cook. Where's the lard? Where's the butter? Where's the bacon grease? And DAMMIT! Where the hell is my side of cheese grits? Needless to say, I was ecstatic to learn that I had a business trip down to Nashville for most of this week. I had to hit up all the old Southern haunts... but the number one place on my list was Bojangles. Oh Bojangles, how I miss thee. They have the best cheap breakfast of any fast food chain, namely the Boberry and Cinnamon Biscuits. It sure as hell wasn't on my marathon training nutrition program, but I was all over it!

Eat me!